Monday, July 13, 2009

Its worse than i ever imagined...

things are utter crap.

stephen and I did get back together, and we actually lasted 3 weeks this time. But he broke up with me :(. Seriously, i dont even know why. I told him i was dissapointed i couldnt see him this weekend so he twisted my words and said that i was dissapointed in him and he cant be with someone who thinks hes a dissapointment and that this is for my own good. How the hell does that work?
i REALLY loved him. And now he wont talk to me at all. Not 2 words. It hurts daily. Id at least feel a little better if there was an explanation.

I returned from Bali feeling relaxed and wonderful. Only to be dumped by my boyfriend and used by a friend.
Friday night i went to a sex toys party - honestly the funniest thing ever - and then into town. Town was good, free drinks all night from guys trying to chat up n my mate. oh and darren.

Seriously never make the mistake of going into town 2 nights in a row. Saturday night was unbearable. I saw an old friend i hadn't seen in forever, that was pretty good (plus he's cute!). Except an ex from years ago decided to tell me he loves me and always has and always will.
It was not a good thing at all. Plus, we have our photo in a melbourne magazine (its called Beat). or from what i can remember.

So now its Monday and im back at work. Im utterly exhausted and going to bed when i get home - which is like 5pm. Haha.

Oooh, and i have been talking to my best friend from London (And yes, ive met him hes not some random from the net). Hes actually my mums best friends son and we used to be forced to hang out when we were younger and i hated it. He loved it, he had a crush on me haha.
And now we've grown up, and havent spoken in years. But the past few months we've been talking. Hes awesome. Hes pretty much a male version of me. A bit cheeky and mischeivious, but very down to earth and laid back. Plus you can talk about ANYTHING and he wouldn't judge.

Well im out, going to see if my biological father replied to my threatening email.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Lucky Me

Oh yes, very lucky me.
Can you hint my sarcasm?

I seem to suffer with depression and stress related issues - sending my skin into irritated fits. I am yet to figure out its cause. We have tried almost everything. Soap, washing powder, make-up/face products, trying to sooth it and ive been to 5-10 doctors. They all just send me off with more medication and more oitments with no results.
I already take medication for depression, and i stress myself out every time my skin breaks out because like any girl, i worry about how i look. Typical.
And if you can't tell, today has been a bad day for my skin (i think it may of flared up as i went swimming in a chlorine pool last night).

But today, I have literally had ENOUGH. Its been happening for years now - id say about 3.. And i cannot put up with it any longer. It makes me embarrissed and lack confidence - more than i already do. I have even tried to research it myself, with no luck.
I have been told by my usual doctor that it is a condition known as Rosacea. I am convinced its not. It has SOME similar symptoms, but its very different in other ways.

Im off to the doctors again tonight.. Hopefully I might get some answers.. Or be sent to a dermatologist.
Gah I also have to discuss getting my tonsils out. Yay me. Not.

Wish me luck fellow readers.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Misconception versus Simplicity

When I listen to music. The main 2 things I think about.

Whether a song is being misconceived by its broad audience? Are the lyrics just plain and simple - what they say is what they mean?

I must admit I get frustrated when there is a song that to me seems really indepth and could only be explained by the artist is misread as simple. Or maybe even im misreading it.
But it got me thinking the other day when I was looking at video clips on YouTube for Jesus Christ by Brand New. Some utterly crap male had made a video clip for it and for every line of the song, he had visually described it. No further thought AT ALL. I know its very critical of me to judge that, but honestly.. If your posting something online at least make it funny, interesting or deep, or at least plain random.

Im one of very few of my friends that will listen to music ranging from Hip-Hop/Rap to Screamo. (Even though most are male artists that I appeal to). Ive never been one to "diss" a musician because their style is alternate compared to another. I will however, make comments if they change style just to fit in with the "norm".
A perfect example is Good Charlotte. Okay, they used to be my ALL TIME favourite band. I know, I know.. Many will judge me by this. But I took a liking to them.
Anywayss... There most recent album was a real let-down in my books. I honestly believe it was an album that was majorly affected by the band members social life - eg. Benji & Joel Madden. And their constant social mischief with Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie (2 utterly crap females).

Moving onto a new subject.. Plus Size Celebrities.
SERIOUSLYYY. A size 10 is NOT a plus size. I would literally die to be a size 10. I was reading a magazine not too long ago, only to be astonished as they called this girl(no idea who she was though) who was a size 10, FAT. She argued that she was just curvy, and i would agree. Curves are amazingly sexy. Ask 80% of the male population. I lack confidence in myself most of the time - yes a small fact about me - and seeing models the same size and larger than me being confident and sexy makes me feel better about myself.
No matter what a woman may say to you, she will think about her weight at some point. Whether she wants to be a little bigger, or a bit smaller. My best friend - known to my friends as Cat - is the smallest girl i know. Skinny as a rake and short as a 10 year old. But the difference between her and most of the other skinny girls i know is that she KNOWS she is skinny and tries to put on weight. I despise size 8 girls who say they are fat. Your not, and you know it. So stop trying to get attention. It just makes bigger girls feel like shit. Im only a size 12-14. I dont see that as fat? I mean i know for my height i could lose a few kilo's. But weight is made to have such a large affect on our society.

I would really like a debate over such things - but no-one is likely to read this.

Bye for now.

Monday, June 1, 2009


What do you do when your as young as 18 and hit a rut in your life?

Im at work - and obviously doing minimal work as i am blogging - and i have no idea where i am going.

I have to take everyday as it comes because i never know what will happen - because there is no plan. This is coming from someone who plans everything to the type of underwear she will wear.

I hate it. I really want to be at a place in my life where im at ease with myself, I have a stable relationship, and i have a decent amount of money saved to do whatever i like. I dont know what exactly im looking for.

I have too much desire to want to stand on my own two feet.

I want to tell you a story. I have been friends with a friend of mine - lets call him Mr M - for about 5 or so.
Since we met - we clicked. Always talked, never fought. Always friends, never more.
But as always things change, i knew it would go one of two ways. We'd never talk, lose contact or fall in love.
I never thought for each consecutive year we knew each other it would sway each way. At this current moment we are close. He wants to be more than friends - but in 2 years when he is finished his apprenticeship and is living closer to me. Im worried i cant make that commitment? then what?
I love him, I always will. But as my Best Friend. Hes too immature to be more. Especially when it comes to the bedroom. And i dont want to screw up my awesome friendship with Mr M by trying to force more. We will always be friends - but im just not sure if more is the right thing.

Ive made so many new friends recently - just by pushing my comfort zone. Its done me some good. Ive been so much more on track. Theres only one problem - no focus. Im not working towards anything. I dont want to leave Bunbury just yet - its a crap town, but its meek. I just want my own .. well.. everything. Im going to Bali in a month (yay, i think). Then all my savings with go towards a 3 week trip to the UK. After that i should be almost 20. Thats when i want to come back and set myself up.

For the past almost 2 years as soon as i found comfort (or love for that matter) i freaked. I wanted it more than anything, but the thought of depending on this other person, of running to them every 5 minutes scared me. I have a problem of falling for people hard and fast. And then id fall and get slapped at the bottom - a wake up call. Hence a consecutive run of short relationships.
Im totally sick of it. My next one WILL last.
I know im talking crap. I think its something to do with the fact i havent blogged in a while. I just need some confirmation about what im doing.

And i was just reading some blogs from Hayley, and we havent spoken in a little while. I feel bad for that. i want to keep in contact with everyone who has always treated me well. I met her through a good friend (at least we are good friends now). Even when i hated this good friend Hayley was still pleasant to me. She is clearly a wonderful person who fully understands herself.
I hope she reads this. Because i want to talk to her.

None of my friends will read this - they are not into a blogging society. But any who ive hurt, i say sorry. If you've hurt me, please say sorry. You may think its nothing, but to me its the world. Prove it to me that im worth being sorry for.

Will likely hear from me again soon.
Much Love.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


I thought about it for hours.
And I have no idea how to put this into words.

But, I figured that most of my last bulletin was a load of crap, because moving out wouldnt solve anything, just put me into a situation, where I wouldnt have any money.

I decided the best way to deal with things is art. That way, it doesnt have to make sense to anyone, but me.

So anyway, City and colour put it in better words than I could

"And I know its not to get away from me,
You just need a change of scenery
So strange how everything went wrong so fast
And I hope that this confusion does not last

These words might be, too little too late,
And I'm afraid that I have already lost you.
Now three months equals eternity and this will be so hard
And I will long to hold you in my arms

And when you ask do you love me
And I should reply with yes most certainly
And I always hesitate there's something lingering
And I will try harder to be all that I can be."

He will never read this i guess, so like it matters.
This ended worse than they could of expected.
In an arguement.
Who ever wants things to end like that?

I know it going to be all my fault.
And that it is likely to get thrown in my face, and for a while i may even regret it.

But I shouldnt, because for once, I did something for myself.
Now all I want to do is be alone.
Because I have no-one. But thats okay. Kind of.

I will always love him anyway. But he will never know..

Marilyn Monroe knows how to live it...

selfish, impatient Pictures, Images and Photos

the end.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Stop telling me to go with a red light.

Okay. so like.. parents suck right now..

So its 7 weeks 6 days until i am finally 18.
I WAS so excited. Until my mother had to go and ruin it for me.
I can legally be my OWN person. But mum still thinks she can control it.

Im a little confused, because i know she will end up getting the last word. You see... the plan was... because of the bitchiness to move out like... just after i turn 18. Once my grandparents have gone back to England.
But i know i will get held back. But for once its something i want to do. I love Stephen Yates (if he reads this, will have a big cheesy smile) and i seriously think im old enough and mature enough to love someone and live with them.

That way, I can prove not only to myself, but to my mum that I can do things all on my own, at my own pace without her going on at me. See most of our arguements start because of me not doing my washing when SHE says so. But i do it. I do it once a week. Who seriously needs to do washing more often than that? frigg. and okayy. so occassionally my washing lives in the washing basket. But im young.doesnt that mean i can get away with it? If i cant get away with it now when can I?

Plus. mum also goes on because im on the net all the time. . But if I was living with Stephen why would i need to? I could go to like an internet cafe or a friends place every so often just to check emails n things. But honestly it wouldnt bother me that much. I only go on there for crap like this.SO yeahh.

i got asked what I ment by telling me to go with a red light. Well.. you know when traffic lights are red you dont go, well i feel like im being pushed to "go" with a red light. and yeashh.
Okay, so like.. I was inspired to write this by Hayley. Shes sooo much better at this than me.

lolol. But yeah, Im trying.I dont know. Im so confused right now. I feel like I have to take each day as it comes just to make sure I dont overload myself.

All I know right now is...
- I love Stephen Yates.
- My best friends now and always will be Cat, Tash and Sara.
- Work is meh, wherever it is.
- Weekends are your chance to do whatever you want. So dont waste it.
- DONT let your parents control you. Just ignore it.
- andddd.... I LOVE FOOD. :D lololol.
- Oh and one more thing... Hayley is pretty damn rad.

stop Pictures, Images and Photos

"I've been up for days,
Trying to find a way to write my confession down.
Seems every line I writes amiss,
At least this I'll admit.
I never hear that perfect sound.
But then the judge walks and says:
"Boy you cant pretend, You've got to be honest now.
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight."

Oh btw.City and colour are likeeee (Y) Okay, now im just ranting about shit. Whilst watching Will and Grace.And im hungry so im going to go get some foood :D ily to whoever read this :D and now you've read it.. at least comment :D KBYEESS.x x