Monday, June 1, 2009


What do you do when your as young as 18 and hit a rut in your life?

Im at work - and obviously doing minimal work as i am blogging - and i have no idea where i am going.

I have to take everyday as it comes because i never know what will happen - because there is no plan. This is coming from someone who plans everything to the type of underwear she will wear.

I hate it. I really want to be at a place in my life where im at ease with myself, I have a stable relationship, and i have a decent amount of money saved to do whatever i like. I dont know what exactly im looking for.

I have too much desire to want to stand on my own two feet.

I want to tell you a story. I have been friends with a friend of mine - lets call him Mr M - for about 5 or so.
Since we met - we clicked. Always talked, never fought. Always friends, never more.
But as always things change, i knew it would go one of two ways. We'd never talk, lose contact or fall in love.
I never thought for each consecutive year we knew each other it would sway each way. At this current moment we are close. He wants to be more than friends - but in 2 years when he is finished his apprenticeship and is living closer to me. Im worried i cant make that commitment? then what?
I love him, I always will. But as my Best Friend. Hes too immature to be more. Especially when it comes to the bedroom. And i dont want to screw up my awesome friendship with Mr M by trying to force more. We will always be friends - but im just not sure if more is the right thing.

Ive made so many new friends recently - just by pushing my comfort zone. Its done me some good. Ive been so much more on track. Theres only one problem - no focus. Im not working towards anything. I dont want to leave Bunbury just yet - its a crap town, but its meek. I just want my own .. well.. everything. Im going to Bali in a month (yay, i think). Then all my savings with go towards a 3 week trip to the UK. After that i should be almost 20. Thats when i want to come back and set myself up.

For the past almost 2 years as soon as i found comfort (or love for that matter) i freaked. I wanted it more than anything, but the thought of depending on this other person, of running to them every 5 minutes scared me. I have a problem of falling for people hard and fast. And then id fall and get slapped at the bottom - a wake up call. Hence a consecutive run of short relationships.
Im totally sick of it. My next one WILL last.
I know im talking crap. I think its something to do with the fact i havent blogged in a while. I just need some confirmation about what im doing.

And i was just reading some blogs from Hayley, and we havent spoken in a little while. I feel bad for that. i want to keep in contact with everyone who has always treated me well. I met her through a good friend (at least we are good friends now). Even when i hated this good friend Hayley was still pleasant to me. She is clearly a wonderful person who fully understands herself.
I hope she reads this. Because i want to talk to her.

None of my friends will read this - they are not into a blogging society. But any who ive hurt, i say sorry. If you've hurt me, please say sorry. You may think its nothing, but to me its the world. Prove it to me that im worth being sorry for.

Will likely hear from me again soon.
Much Love.

1 comment:

  1. ok so i had to comment this, even though the blog is a little old but i don't use the net anymore, and tonight i have a moment free to myself, no boyfriend no family in the house just me and my time lol. I want to say SORRY, not just because you asked in your blog but because i feel the need to. we havent spoken in like forever and i feel really bad we used to be such good mates but as usual i fucked it like i do most things, you see im living at home with my boyfriend and my parents with no job an no income whatsoever because centrelink and the government are crap and no one wants to hire someone like me and now im babling on when im supposed to be saying sorry but thats because ive got NO ONE to talk to and no social life except my boyfriends friends (which i get along with really well) but no chick friends. anyway morel of this comment is IM SO SORRY for everything. ily xoxo
    PS. if you wanted to get back to me i would probably text if i were you considering i dont use the net i still have my telstra number but if i dont reply this is my new optus number 0401567396 love you xoxo